


Pamiętajcie o ogrodach / Remember

by Marta_Ayanami



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Clone Wars season 5 (pls no spoilers for season 6 in comments or anywhere I haven't yet watched), Gen, I've just realised I can't write Ani dammit but damn if I won't try, Like a looooooooot, Rebels season 2, as can be seen I recently finished s 5 and that last scene WOOOOW, don't think of this as one fic or maybe do but very loosely connected etc, etc XD, jumping around in time a lot, no MAJOR spoilers for s 6 - s 7 anyone pls, plus headcanons, too bad I can't write but anyway I'm sloowly learning, very loosely connected maybe? XD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23497879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Anakin was right, this was her whole life. Had been her whole life.And that's exactly why she had to ask the question: what was she without this?And she couldn't find the answer around him. Because he didn't know, and neither did he. And staying around him would only bring up past answers, when she was seeking new ones, perhaps.Anakin had to understand that. It was just as he said - he wanted to leave, to, even if something still tethered him to the Order. She understood that it was difficult, and... she hoped Anakin wouldn't think she was leaving him. No, they would see each other, time and time again, she was quite sure of it, as Anakin was like a family to her, if she even knew what it meant.She was almost sure she knew.She just had to, independant of that or anything else, ask herself: Ahsoka Tahno, you're not a Jedi, so, now: who are you? Who are, really?She had to KNOW.*******chapter 2 next weekend. Or after Easter.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, anakin skywalker/padme amidala (mentioned)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Przecież stamtąd przyszliście

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: As usual, I can almost never think of a title, so, titles from here, for the whole ficlet, from the lyrics of this song:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSXVUtwNw7Y
> 
> Yeah...
> 
> ("Pamiętajcie o ogrodach" means "remember the gardens" btw. Etc.)
> 
> (Also all my fics are secretly song fics, I just only write song lyrics in titles, as they have no place in main body of ficlets, for sure. :D )

_**~~You left me~~** , _he said, but that wasn't true the way she saw it, had seen it, though that made it no less painful, still.

********

Anakin was right, this was her whole life. Had been her whole life.

And that's exactly why she had to ask the question: what was she without this?

And she couldn't find the answer around him. Because he didn't know, and neither did he. And staying around him would only bring up past answers, when she was seeking new ones, perhaps.

Anakin had to understand that. It was just as he said - he wanted to leave, to, even if something still tethered him to the Order. She understood that it was difficult, and... she hoped Anakin wouldn't think she was leaving him. No, they would see each other, time and time again, she was quite sure of it, as Anakin was like a family to her, if she even knew what it meant. 

She was almost sure she knew.

She just had to, independant of that or anything else, ask herself: Ahsoka Tahno, you're not a Jedi, so, now: who are you? Who are, really?

She had to KNOW.

***********

How could he have done that to Padme? When their love has always been so obvious and everlasting the way Ahsoka's seen it? Or has she been blind?

*********

She had to know, and so, she left the Order which threw her away and then invited her back.

She...

Ahsoka wasn't bitter. No, not with the Order, it was more that... it was hard to put into words.

She didn't lie when she said she wasn't quite sure if she could trust herself, anymore.

********

She loved him. She trusted him, more than anything. How could he? He wasn't the Anakin she knew.

And yet he still was. He had seen that in his eyes, back then.

Yet, she couldn't reach him. She left. Was that why?

Yet she hadn't left him, back then, and not because of him, or for him, no, this wasn't about him.

******

She loves her Master, friend, family, whatever word can be used, when one's a Jedi, and when one's no longer a Jedi, too. And yet, why does he always have to make everything about himself? Her decision isn't his to question.

If she needs to find her own answers, who is Anakin to deny her that?

For a split second, he looks at her as if she's choosing to leave in order to hurt him, and, for a split second, she almost wants to reassure him that that's not the case, but... shouldn't he know already? Wouldn't explaining that be an insult to the deep friendship they share? Can't he feel her true intentions in the Force around and inside?

_I'm leaving in order to come back, because right now, I can't be sure where I am._

He knows, doesn't he? So why does he look so hurt? They'll meet again.

She'd miss him, but... looking so personally hurt... why?

A part of him wanted **him** to console **her,** a childish part, a selfish part, not... not to have him looking at her like at a deliberately burning lifeline.

Lifelines came and go, in the Jedi Order. And he was still a part of it, wasn't he? Even with his secret marriage to Padme, even with everything, he hasn't left. And neither has Ahsoka, until today. But right now, she just wanted to say to herself: I'm not a Jedi.

And then ask herself: if I'm not a Jedi, what am I?

If she could answer that question, she could come back stronger, or go elsewhere... either way, she wasn't leaving Anakin, and Obi-Wan, and others, not really, not in spirit.

Surely Anakin understood there.

And yet he stood there watching her back as if she was leaving him in spirit, too, even though surely he understood.

Perhaps Anakin was lonelier than Ahsoka Tano thought. But, that... she wasn't going to freeze her own spirit because of that. She couldn't, even for closest friend.

No matter what, no matter how close, and how much love there was, nobody had any right to ask another to freeze their own spirit for them. No matter the situation.

She'd be back. After finding her own answers. That was all anyone could do, at times. There was no way to answer to another's questions, no matter how heavy, without answering oneself first. Was there?

*****

And so, she couldn't. Not now. It wasn't her fault, even if she still felt guilty. But she knew who she was, now. With that, more anwers could come.

Or was it too late? Was it ever, truly?


	2. W za ciasnym bucie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why?

I trusted her.

I alone trusted in her innocence.

And she still feels she has to go. To leave. To leave the Order.... to leave me.

I can't go. I can never go where I want to go, when I want to.

Unless in secret.

** _~~slave~~ _ **

And so, I don't go with her. My Apprentice. No, my Snips. My little one. If I had a sister, she'd be like that, I often thought-

Still, I can't go with her.

Again, I can never have family, unless I do already, but that, only in secret.

Forever.

*********

Obi-Wan doesn't understand. He'd never understand.

Or he does. I had seen Satine. I had seen the way they - but Obi-Wan made his own choice, on his own.

Where was my choice?

Mum, Obi-Wan, Pame, Snips - where was my choice?

*********

I don't know my father. Truth be told, I've never asked. For the time I remember, even very young - I saw children my age, and younger, and older, with fathers, but I never asked mum... I never asked my mother about mine. Somehow, I could feel that she doesn't want to tell me, or that there's nothing to be told that'd matter - that's the feeling I had.

I don't understand it, but perhaps, that feeling was the Force, too. I can't check. She's not here.

Often, I hoped fate - or Force - would bring me to Tattooine for no reason. Then I'd go and see Mom again.

As if I couldn't just - go?

But that's not permitted, especially now when there's a war and I'm often needed as a Jedi.

_~~**slave** ~~ _

**********

Maybe Ahsoka wanted to be free, and she's free now. Or maybe I have it all wrong. I am free after all, aren't I?

If I said so tomorrow, I could leave the Order. Obi-Wan might even forgive me one day.

So, why aren't I leaving?

I don't dislike... that is... I'm happy with everything I've achieved so far.

I _want_ to become a Jedi Master. Or else what's the point?

I'm not some Chosen One, no matter what they said.

(They? I barely remember. And I don't trust them, I don't trust any higher forces.)

Maybe Ahsoka felt that way, too.

She left anyway. I have to accept that. I will. Or at least I'll try. It's her decision, isn't it?

She'll be back. Not to the Order, but to me, we'll fight in a war, and do other things, together again, won't we? She'll be back to me and to Padme, and to Obi-Wan won't she?

Where else can she go, after all... She doesn't have anyone else, now, does she?

So why am I so anxious?


End file.
